#like... 5 different antidepressants

[briarmae]

So, I have autism. One aspect of autism and/ or adhd is RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's used to describe a type of emotional disregulation.

I accidentally made a relatively popular post (for me). (It currently has 2,900 notes. My next most popular post has 100.) 2,900 notes, and of them, only about 12 people who responded were negative and/ or confused. I was CONSUMED with feelings of anger, anxiety, rejection, and sadness about those 12 people. 12 out of 2900.

RSD is ridiculous.

But my psychiatrist added a new antidepressant, and suddenly those feelings are blunted, and I can let go of things that cause me anxiety. But I can still experience joy, etc. It's like... my emotions are less overwhelming, but I can still feel them? I hope I'm describing it well enough.

Is this how *normal people feel?

(*Normal, of course, is relative. In this case, it refers to people who are neurotypical and/ or do not suffer from mental illness.)

[marklikely]

going to be established with a pcp for the first time in my adult life this afternoon and as unlikely as it is part of me is trying to work out what 4d chess i could play to get medication that fixes my brain jn some way

[vjola]

my antidepressants are going to run out by the time i speak to the doctor for my medication review hee hee hoo hoo that should be fun!

[megofwands]

cymbalta dreams are CRAZY

[dinosaurcharcuterie]

Went to a different pharmacist for my vitamin D3 supplements because I was short on time but still value my bone density. They only had the gel caps from the slightly more expensive brand, and they took ages to find. I vaguely remembered not liking them, but couldn't recall why. Well, I didn't have to divide them and I'd survived taking them last time, so fuck it, gel cap me up.

As I was paying, the second pharmacist comes out laughing and shows she also found them as gummies. Gummy vitamins aren't a thing here, and they didn't remember why they got ordered. I shrug and say probably someone who struggles to swallow pills.

Do I want them instead of my gel caps?

I eyed the massive jar of gummies, remembered my overflowing desk and politely declined.

To get to the point:

The Vigantolvit gel caps are a fucking pain to get out of their deep and tiny blister packs. Literally. They cut under your fingernails if you try and press them out without pre-piercing the overly sturdy foil on the other end. They roll. Everywhere. Off the table, on the table into partitions of your medibox that you definitely didn't place it in. And they're smaller than mini m&ms, which, yeah, sure, make them easy to swallow, but which also means they're nigh impossible to pick up if your fine motor skills are not fully online for the day.

Tl;dr: I should have taken the fucking vitamin gummies.

[mrfoox]

Yeah I've ordered home every other day for two weeks soon :/ no I'm not doing so well

[jazzums]

anxiety is the worst feeling

[mynqzo]

this guy (me) got off their antidepressants officially baby. they were prescribed to me by a doctor at the ER I went to for stomach problems early this year because they said I 'look a bit sad' and knew I had sleeping issues. started taking them and was not informed of side effects or what would happen if i went off them cold turkey - which i did a month later!

i had the worst month of my life after that, having the worst pain ever, cluster headache, shakiness, etc, and i thought i was going crazy until i researched the reasons for this myself, and begged the doctors to help me of course lmao (thrice).

since then i have been tapering my medication for 5 to 6 months now and got to the point three days ago where the next step was to get off them entirely. and believe it or not, the withdrawal symptoms, while still awful, are not as bad as they were at the beginning of the year so yipee!

idk i just wanted to share this because i am 1. struggling and 2. proud of myself nonetheless and have my fingers crossed most of these pains will clear within a week or so!

the worst thing is that (and this is just a ramble) that this medication was misprescribed to me. i had anxiety yes, but this was not something they (the docter) asked about or i think cared for? like i said, i went there because i had a stomach virus and left with medication for something completely different because they apparently believed my vibe was too sad. this should have never happened if they didn't rush to prescribe me something to keep them out of their hair. huff. sigh even.

[evidence-based-activism]

could you elaborate on often brought up statistics that men commit suicide more often?

Sure!

Prevalence Differences

So, as you've stated, men are more likely to die by suicide. According to the CDC, in the USA, men account for about 80% of suicides [1]. This narrows to about 60% of suicides worldwide [2].

This review article [2] notes that "one of the most consistent findings in suicide research is that women make more suicide attempts than men, but men are more likely to die in their attempts than women."

Much of this gap can be explained by differences in suicide methodology: men tend to use more lethal methods such as firearms [3, 4]. Despite claims to the contrary, however, this difference does reflect the "lethality of their suicidal intent". In other words, women and men who attempt suicide are similarly "intent on dying", but men's choice of methodology means they are more likely to die by suicide.

Crime and suicide

I've seen some commentary questioning the degree to which men's abusive/criminal behavior underlies their greater suicide rates, so I thought I would try to answer this question. (To the degree that it can be answered.)

First, I should be clear that there are many, many interconnected risk factors for suicide [5, 6] and any individual suicide is likely to be multi-factorial. That being said, there is a connection between men's violent and suicidal behavior, which is too often neglected in this conversation.

Criminality in general:

This representative analysis of male suicides in the USA found arrest accounted for ~9% of male suicides. Notably, when dis-aggregated by race, arrest accounted for a statistically significant proportion of White male and Hispanic male suicides, but not Black male suicides. This study did not evaluate the impact of violent vs non-violent crime or conviction. [7]

This representative, longitudinal Swedish study found "violent offenders had nearly five times higher risk ... to die from suicide and non-violent criminals had about two times higher risk." [8]

This representative longitudinal Danish study found "more than a third of all male suicides (34.8%) had a criminal justice history" and that men convicted of sexual or violent offenses had between a 3 and 5-fold higher risk of suicide, and these offenses represented ~7% of all male suicides in the sample. [9]

Intimate partner violence, specifically:

This study found intimate partner violence accounts for over 10% of violent deaths. Of this, 43% were either homicide-suicides, single-suicides (by male perpetrators), or "suicide by police", where each category was majority-male. [10]

This study analyzes the data in another way, finding that "intimate partner violence is a precipitating factor for 4.5% of single suicides", most of which "were of men who perpetrated nonfatal IPV". They also conclude that "when combined with homicide-suicide data, IPV influences 6.1% of suicides overall". (Based on their data tables, this means male IPV perpetration preceded ~7% of all male suicides.) [11]

This study found that, "among men who killed their female intimate partner with a firearm, 59% also took their own life". (They were also not more likely to be on antidepressants than other male suicide victims.) [12]

This study did not directly examine intimate partner abuse, but did find "most male suicide decedents had no known mental health conditions" and one major risk factor was "arguments" with a romantic partner. Considering this effect was strongest for "suicides that occurred during the argument itself" this is likely at least partially driven by the same trends as above. [13]

While the limitations in national data mean the results cannot be definitively confirmed, the trends appear to be similar across the USA. [14]

This Australian report found at least 23% of male suicides involved "family violence", with the decedent male as the perpetrator >80% of the time. [15]

Clearly, there is a connection between men's abusive behaviors and their suicide. It's not the only factor, but it is a significant one, even more than criminality or violent behavior in general.

---

In conclusion, women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more likely to die by suicide. Men's reasons for suicide are multifactorial, but there is an undeniable connection with their abuse of women.

I hope this helps you, Anon! Let me know if I didn't address a specific question you had!

References under the cut:

CDC. “Suicide Data and Statistics.” Suicide Prevention, 29 Oct. 2024, https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html.

Vijayakumar, L. (2015). Suicide in women. Indian journal of psychiatry, 57(Suppl 2), S233-S238.

Denning, D. G., Conwell, Y., King, D., & Cox, C. (2000). Method choice, intent, and gender in completed suicide. Suicide and Life‐Threatening Behavior, 30(3), 282-288.

Bommersbach, T. J., Rosenheck, R. A., Petrakis, I. L., & Rhee, T. G. (2022). Why are women more likely to attempt suicide than men? Analysis of lifetime suicide attempts among US adults in a nationally representative sample. Journal of affective disorders, 311, 157-164.

Franklin, J. C., Ribeiro, J. D., Fox, K. R., Bentley, K. H., Kleiman, E. M., Huang, X., ... & Nock, M. K. (2017). Risk factors for suicidal thoughts and behaviors: A meta-analysis of 50 years of research. Psychological bulletin, 143(2), 187.

Richardson, C., Robb, K. A., & O'Connor, R. C. (2021). A systematic review of suicidal behaviour in men: A narrative synthesis of risk factors. Social Science & Medicine, 276, 113831.

Bryson, W. C., Piel, J., & Thielke, S. M. (2021). Arrest and non-fatal suicide attempts among men: analysis of survey data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. BMC psychiatry, 21, 1-8.

Stenbacka, M., Romelsjö, A., & Jokinen, J. (2014). Criminality and suicide: a longitudinal Swedish cohort study. BMJ open, 4(2), e003497.

Webb, R. T., Qin, P., Stevens, H., Mortensen, P. B., Appleby, L., & Shaw, J. (2011). National study of suicide in all people with a criminal justice history. Archives of general psychiatry, 68(6), 591-599.

Kafka, J. M., Moracco, K. E., Young, B. R., Taheri, C., Graham, L. M., Macy, R. J., & Proescholdbell, S. K. (2021). Fatalities related to intimate partner violence: towards a comprehensive perspective. Injury prevention, 27(2), 137-144.

Kafka, J. M., Moracco, K. B. E., Taheri, C., Young, B. R., Graham, L. M., Macy, R. J., & Proescholdbell, S. (2022). Intimate partner violence victimization and perpetration as precursors to suicide. SSM-Population Health, 18, 101079.

Barber, C. W., Azrael, D., Hemenway, D., Olson, L. M., Nie, C., Schaechter, J., & Walsh, S. (2008). Suicides and suicide attempts following homicide: victim–suspect relationship, weapon type, and presence of antidepressants. Homicide studies, 12(3), 285-297.

Fowler, K. A., Kaplan, M. S., Stone, D. M., Zhou, H., Stevens, M. R., & Simon, T. R. (2022). Suicide among males across the lifespan: An analysis of differences by known mental health status. American journal of preventive medicine, 63(3), 419-422.

Kafka, J. M., Moracco, K. E., Pence, B. W., Trangenstein, P. J., Fliss, M. D., & Reyes, L. M. (2024). Intimate partner violence and suicide mortality: a cross-sectional study using machine learning and natural language processing of suicide data from 43 states. Injury prevention, 30(2), 125-131.

Coroners Court of Victoria. (2024). Experience of family violence among people who suicided 2009-2016. https://www.coronerscourt.vic.gov.au/sites/default/files/2024-09/Coroners%20Court%20of%20Victoria%20Experience%20of%20family%20violence%20among%20people%20who%20suicided%202009-20016.pdf

[scientia-rex]

Do you have thoughts about dealing with your ADHD without medication? I'm in Europe where the laws are different and its haaaaard to access meds. (Immigration is very bad for consistent health care)

Yeah, I mean, caffeine. Caffeine in the mornings and propranolol if I overdo it or have too much caffeine after 1pm. Caffeine has a variable half-life depending on your genetics, so for some people they can have caffeine within about 4-5 hours of trying to sleep and for me if I have it within 9 hours of when I want to sleep I'm a little fucked. (5-9 hours is a relatively typical range for half-life.) Caffeine has active metabolites, which means that as your body processes it to break it down it creates different molecules which are still stimulants, so it's not as simple as "caffeine in, break it down, inert molecule out." You also need to be aware that your brain WILL develop tolerance, so taking drug holidays where you have a chaotic, disorganized day will help when you go back to work.

Another alternative is Strattera, generic name atomoxetine, which gets marketed as a "non-stimulant" ADHD medication. In my opinion it does still have stimulant qualities and the classification has more to do with legal status than medical reality. However, it does have a tendency to cause nausea, so I usually start people low (10mg) and ramp up to 80-100mg, which is target range for efficacy for most people. It doesn't seem as effective as the stimulants but it also doesn't have the legal implications of the stimulants.

Wellbutrin, generic name bupropion, is an antidepressant, but it's not the same as SSRIs or SNRIs--it has its own combination of effects on neurotransmitters that makes it a cousin rather than a sibling drug. It can be used (off-label) for ADHD.

In terms of other things I do to help myself cope, setting and maintaining a sleep schedule is critical. I definitely always feel like I'm being asked to wake up at the equivalent of 3am for other people. This means I need to make sure I go to bed and get up at consistent times, including days off. Bed needs to be for sleeping and intimacy and not for being activated--not for reading, not for hanging out. "Sleep hygiene" is about training your brain that when you go to bed, you go to sleep. The bedroom needs to be quiet, cool, and dark. You can Google sleep hygiene for more information on that.

Learning how to learn was critical for surviving med school. I didn't struggle that much with the material even in grad school, though I was more miserable overall in grad school. The sheer volume meant I couldn't just read everything once and figure enough would stick; I had to read, listen, watch, and eventually I figured out that I really needed to draw pictures and make myself flash cards if I wanted to actually force my brain to retain anything. Making sure I was physically comfortable, including that I was fed, hydrated, and didn't have to pee, was also part of the process. Getting there involved lots of tears and failing multiple tests.

Cleaning can't be an all or nothing proposition or nothing ever gets cleaned. When I start cleaning, I just grab whatever I'm walking by that catches my attention. Fuck doing whole tasks at a time consistently. Move those three bowls to the sink, in the kitchen realize I need to take out the recycling, take out the recycling and realize on the way back in that I have a load of laundry to start, start the laundry and realize I need to pee, while I'm in the bathroom realize I need to clean the counter, clean the counter and realize I need to take out the bathroom trash, take out the bathroom trash and realize I still didn't pee, continue until I'm too tired and then sit down and have a snack and a nap. My house is still a black hole but it's infinitely better than my apartments when I was younger.

Accepting that you can't do things the neurotypical way is a big part of it. Giving up on how things "should" be and recognizing what you can do and how you can do it is critical. I will never stop crashing into things so I've bought rounded furniture that hurts less when I crash into it. I'm slowly designing a life and a home where I'm playing to my strengths, and although it's a work in process, I'm slowly becoming happier.

[homunculus-argument]

if you have medication resistant depression i highly recommend tms (transcranial magnetic stimulation). if youve tried a lot of medications already, your insurance may even cover it. it's an 8 week course of daily non-invasive treatments, im on day 18 & it's already been life-changing for me. you go to your nearest tms clinic & sit with a magnet on your head for 20 minutes 5 days a week. it's mildly uncomfortable but it's so worth it. this isnt a scam or an ad, i just want you to know about tms because it's basically a miracle for people like us who dont respond to antidepressants.

i did the genetic testing too & i tried the recommended meds, they still didnt work for me. it might be different for you but if youve already tried a bunch with no results i wouldnt get your hopes up... antidepressants have about a 28% chance of working first try, & that number goes down with every new antidepressant you try. tms has a 60-70% success rate, which isnt perfect, but it's far better than medication with exponentially decreases in odds of working. some people need two or three rounds of treatment to get the full effect, but believe me, it is absolutely worth it & will make you feel cured.

Yeah, that's been up on the table, but we've also been talking about electroshock therapy. The reason why we're tweaking through antidepressants now is because they want to first make sure that there's no medication combos that would work better before resorting to alternative treatments. Nobody involved seems to be entirely sure why they're so reluctant to try something that might work better, but electricity and magnet therapy are on the table, but as a last resort. I'm down to humour them with the antidepressant trials first, it's not like they'd get me any worse.

[vera-yaps]

Something that makes ZD so realistic

Is how fuckin CRINGY they are,

like i’ve talked with my moots about this but i’m sleep deprived, off my antidepressants, and need to go to my 9-5 job at the laundromat in like less than an hr so let me have my slivers of serotonin

But like it came from me rewatching zd and realizing how much…secondhand embarrassment i got from some of cal’s tapes

like dont gmw. theyre chilling as all hell. i dont think i’m feeling anything not supposed to be feeling here. but like…They really are just edgy teenagers, like “just sticks in the mud🤓☝️” thats some shit an edgy 17 year old would say to make himself look big and bad when he really justheard that on the last action movie he heard. like stfu nerd and go do ur algebra homework, its due tomorrow

Forget the final scene for a second here. Forget the fact that they were planning to do something horrible.

Cal was probably so embarrassed that he was 17 and still needing to get braces off

he probably for years begged his mom and orthodontist to get them off early, the reality was they aere just too crooked for them to do anything yet, much to cal’s dismay

of course, as may 1st approached he gave less and less of a fuck. i mean, his teeth were gonna be blown through his cranium. what does it matter if they had wires on them or not.

andre probably hated his voice cracks. theyre not terribly noticable bc hes pretty grown into himself at 17/18, but he still has that happen on top of that damn acne problem. chris dealt with acne all through middle and high school. he joked college seemed to have cleared his skin magically. must be genetic, andre thought.

they tease each other, as teenage boys (also heavily repressed) often do. when theyre not fantasizing about putting buckshots in their peers, they play mortal kombat and curse at each other for beating him, cal is surprisingly alot more quick at his movements, whilst andre thinks his button mash combos through more. of course MK doesnt seem to care much about that.

Cal’s gotten a few confessions here and there. he wasn’t bad looking. he knew that. andre’s felt some girls looking at him before, but he was alot less approachable than cal. the closest thing he got to an outright confession was a letter in the 1995-96 school year, Melanie something - or - other

cal teases him about it at the bonfire, andre eventually is able to seize the note and to not say her name

he’s able to respect the privacy of strangers, but he wants to put ends to human life.

Andre wants to respect two guys doing interpretive poetry when Cal was rudely interrupting them and insulting them but didnt hesitate in the slightest to put bullets into his peers.

Bullets do a fuckton of damage. like what you see in ZD is disturbing but (thankfully) coccio made the artistic choice to not make it very gory all things considered. but bullets do alot more than just insta kill people and make them fall.

they shatter bones, damage organs, cause severe bleeding, cause differences in limb length long after recovery, its genuinely carnage and disturbing

and they talked about crushes, girls, family, birthdays, poetry open mics as if they weren’t planning to inflict that damage and more.

whats more eerie is how they talk about it. like they talk so casually about it as if theyre talking about what theyre doing next weekend and not destroying lives.

the same awkward teenagers i described committed mass murder that we see unfold play-by-play. and thats a big part in why zero day is so fucking terrifying.

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

life updates of a babbit #jskdhfkjmshdf

in case anyone was curious abt wtf been going on in my life yeeahaw

things that have happened recently/since i last updated i think 1. started playing cult of baby sheep game! yeehaw 2. 100% cult game bc i was like 70% of the way there by the time i 'beat' the game and the last 30% was mocking me 3. very recently decided to play pokemon soulsilver again! i've never gotten both sets of gym badges so maybe i'll commit long enough to do that this time 4. car got towed by insurance ppl even tho they said they stopped insuring us a couple months ago? lmao?? they also didn't inform us so for all we knew the car got fuckin stolen lmao. it cost over $1000 to get it back 5. im only taking one of my medications rn bc the clinic ppl r not cooperating with my pharmacy. i normally take an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer but rn i've only got an antidepressie :') 6. car got towed (again) bc we parked in a different section of the parking lot than usual (bc someone has started parking in our usual section so there aren't enough parking spaces but we havent paid enough attention to tell who is allowed to park here and who isnt and also calling a tow on ppl just parking somewhere is kinda a dick thing to do) and ig one of the neighbors got pissed off abt it so they had our car towed. (again.) lol. we are fucking broke can we stop with the car thing thnx 7. i told my gf that if they posted an update to their fic i would post an update to not fine fic in like two days. the chapter IS pretty close to being done but at the same time it's a bit of a nothing burger atm so im stressed abt whether i should wrap it up and post it anyway or actually do smthn with it 8. Blackjack looks like a lil airplane when he runs around real fast bc his ears go halfway up like wings lol

9. MY DOG DRANK MY FUCKIN COFFEE TWICE I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS MY OWN SON STABBED ME IN THE BACK LIKE THIS LOVE IS DEAD THE WORLD IS COLD AND CRUEL

10. blackjack likes throwing my things on the floor :(

[youling-the-ghost]

sfth incorrect quotes pt.5 because who needs a normal hobby anyway (the generator I used)

Luke: That's a nice arguement, Sam. Why don't you back it up with a source? Sam: My source is that I made it the fuck up! Luke: How high are you? Tom: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet. Sam: No, he's asking what drugs are you on. Tom: Oh, antidepressants, why? AJ: Where the devil is Tom? Luke: Well, it is raining outside… Maybe he melted? Sam: Shall I look outside for a tiny, ill-fitting hat?

Sam: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my dad love me? Tom: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you.

Luke walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Tom, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK. Tom, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :) Sam, after sneaking into AJ’s bedroom: Hey, wake up! AJ, half awake: Huh!? Sam: I just murdered your entire family! AJ: …But I live alone. Sam: Huh? Then who are these people in your house??? AJ: There’s people in my house? Sam: Well not anymore! Dumb bitch! You could’ve died! You’re welcome! AJ: They… well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? Tom: Um, murder??? Sam: Adventuring! Luke: Tuesday. Luke: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’ Luke: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though. Luke: How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you? Tom: Luke, it's four o'clock in the morning. Luke: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket? Tom: Sam gets offended by everything. Sam: What did you say about me?!? Tom: Tom: Case in point. Luke: wow you and Tom are home early from the movies. What happened? AJ: We got kicked out because Tom wouldn't stop yelling diving scores as people jumped off the titanic. Tom: That last guy had a solid 8, I'm telling you! Sam: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it. Tom: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side. Luke: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE! Sam: What are your three best qualities? Luke: I’m hot, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends. Sam: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. AJ: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. Luke: A realist sees a freight train. Tom: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. Tom: Luke! Have you no dignity? Luke: Of course not! How long have we known eachother? Tom: AJ? What are you doing here? AJ, wearing a hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best. Luke: A stake to the heart won't kill a vampire if their tits are big enough. AJ: Yeah, you just catch it. Tom: Nah nah nah, deflects it. Stake? Just bounces right off. Done. Back to doing hot girl shit. Sam: Then I just use a spear instead. Luke: You are trying so hard to kill a vampire with big bazongas, and for what? Why would you do that to the ecosystem? Tom, cowering in fear: What do you want from me?! Sam, standing in front of Tom: *bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen* Tom, crying: Please...stop...

Tom: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob. AJ: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! Sam: Ok, AJ, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? AJ: 1917. Sam: ...You're ready. Luke: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products! Luke: *sprays hairspray in his mouth* Luke: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good. Tom: Sam just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then he reached down and untied my shoe. Luke: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Sam. Sam: I hate myself. Luke: Alright, square up. *AJ is considering cancelling plans, and Tom and Sam are advising him on what to do* Tom: Just don't go. Sam: Say you’re ill! Tom: Pretend to break your leg. Sam: Really break your leg! AJ: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset? Luke: No, I said "AJ, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset. AJ: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon. Tom: Spear. AJ: BLOCKED. Sam: Quacking in my boobs over this Sam: QUAKING* Sam: BOOTS* FUCKER.

+ Bonus message from the programmer of the generator:

Congratulations! You've stumbled upon a secret message from me (the programmer of this generator): Remember to drink water. And also take your meds if you have those and are supposed to take them. Also, have a nice day if that's a possibility. I hope y'all are doing great, and remember: Happy pride month! Always respect eachother's pronouns! (sadly it's no longer pride month but that that doesn't mean that we shouldn't continue to respect each other's pronouns)

[trixree]

he is RISEN baby girl

hello hello! yes i'm alive, just very mentally ill. things are on the up and up and i have mega brainrot right now so i decided to try and get back on the "being a person" horse. you may see i've just posted some poolverine smut to AO3 here.

if you've sent me messages during my year hiatus (especially regarding commissions) I love and appreciate you and will be responding SOON, i PROMISE!

long ramble about where i'm at/life update below the cut.

May of 2023, I graduated with my masters. yaaay woo but also booo because it didn't help me get a job at all! i finally landed a paying gig in September of 2023 after sending out quite literally hundreds of applications. i only had two interviews total and a mountain of auto-rejections to show for it and it took an immense toll on my mental health. It started what was (in hindsight) a year of a prolonged downward spiral.

i already really struggled with self worth and turns out riding the merry-go-round of job hunting rejection cranked my depression up to new heights. for the first time in a long time, i found myself so low as to be entertaining thoughts of suicide. my eating disorder peaked the hardest it has since high school. i had also moved out of my parents house and in with my partner May of 2023 and was readjusting to being out of a traumatic environment. i had panic attacks anytime he came into a room too quietly and surprised me for months. I found myself isolated from most of my friends (partly because of my own communication death-spiral depression paralysis) and also because i moved to a different city than all of them to live with my partner again (0 complaints there, i love the city i live in and love my home with my partner and our bird children. however i miss my fucking friends, and the loneliness compounded the Despair Arc i was having.) My fucking health insurance changed because my previous policy holder retired and i lost some medications for a period of time, stressing my body in bad ways. a really bad spell of migraines compounded things chemically for the worst.

i borrowed some money to return to my therapist and my doc recently upped my antidepressant dose, and I can tell that both of those things but ESPECIALLY that last one there has helped already. My partner, closest friends, and even some coworkers have said I seem much better, too. I'm hopeful about it. Optimistic, even!

i did get a job working for a behavioral health nonprofit that provides outpatient psychiatric services in administration. It pays in fucking sheckles and pennies (nonprofits be like) and psych is a challenging environment to say the least. it was another 6-month fight to hammer out disability accommodations with HR. my body is a machine that consumes paid leave. as any of you that have danced an accommdations dance can probably attest, it sucks so goddamn bad. i had basically round after round of requests for my doctors to fill out paperwork that amounted to "will they get better? Are you sure? Alright, please estimate how often this person will need this accommodation in hours per week." of course it took an immense mental health toll, too. i kick ass at what i do and i do it chronically understaffed but it's really hard to feel secure anywhere when you're constantly missing work due to uncontrollable Body Bad Times (migraine, explosive diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, my three horsemen). especially if someone has a grudge, and someone did, which added extra layers of complexity.

i'll be honest, it's good to have something to get out of bed to go do 5/7 days of the week (i was going stir crazy without employment) but i'm running myself ragged and barely making it financially. not only was this body i have NOT built for an 8-5, i have less than 15$ to my name right now to show for it and i keep having to borrow money from my family for medication. but i truly love the people i work with and feel like i get to do good for my community where i'm at, and that's something folks!

speaking of health, i kind of got my gut stuff figured out? not really. but also yes! i don't have a diagnosis of any kind but i have a treatment that's WORKING for the constant nausea i was always blogging about last year. my GI put me on domperidone before meals and oh my god, total fucking game changer. no longer am i burping up half-digested food and walking around with 24/7 debilitating nausea AND my appetite even kicks in when i take the damn pills!!! the only down side is that domperidone is not FDA approved in the USofA because of sudden cardiac failure or what the fuck ever so i have to pay out of pocket for all of it. that's a good 150$ per month on top of all my other medication, so that's a bummer. but god, to have something that works!!! it's been so nice. no sudden heart failure yet, fingers crossed.

i have really bad executive dysfunction when it comes to responding to messages (i currently have 100+ unread text messages from friends and family) but i'm challenging myself to work through my backlog of messages in the coming days, so stay tuned if you've DM'd me in the last year. thank you for thinking of me and i appreciate you endlessly.

as for commissions, my life is just too unpredictable for me to be as consistent with those as i'd wanted to be. as much as having the bonus income was really amazing, i just feel like i'm too flakey and unreliable to deliver on that regularly and that's just a shitty thing to do to someone. (please check your DMs if this describes an interaction we had with me.)

i'm sorry if this decision is disappointing to anyone, but i think i'm going to stick to having a kofi live if folks feel inclined to show appreciation for any fic i post and maybe taking a comm very very rarely, once in a blue moon when circumstances allow. I do want to honor anyone that messaged me about a comm during my year hiatus. Please check your DMs. for my casual reader: none of my current projects on AO3 are abandoned. i've never stopped working on them this past year, even if it has only been in my notes app. i really want to start posting more regularly again. i miss the outlet immensely. I think it's good for me, creatively and for a sense of community. i hope you all understand and thank you. thanks for still being here.

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

♡Weekly Chronicles♡

Hey babes! I've missed you guysss I am so happy I had an amazing trip it was so nice. I went to a convention in Maryland for 5 days it was so nice. I definitely left with a lot of knowledge so many amazing people spoke at the lectures<3 and I'm sorry I missed the weekly affirmations for this week.

♡Education♡

I applied for all my classes for next semester before my trip. I’m low-key excited about the classes I have coming up. Lot of different courses since I'm almost done with my major required classes now I need to fill the rest of my credits with electives. I have an art class next semester just for fun. I can't wait to meet the people in my classes. I have to take this math class I am not excited for at all I hate math lol so every time I update you girliesss on this class I'll probably be complaining lol.

♡Mental♡

Interacting with different people this past week has been very good for me mentally. It brought me back to pre-quarantine Khadija who was such a big extrovert. After covid, I started to have mild social anxiety so this was needed. I dealt with a little insecurities while on my trip interacting with so many beautiful women I started to doubt my looks comparison is the thief of joy, I practiced a lot of the methods my therapist recommended like canceling one negative thought with two positive thoughts. I realized I was all in my head for no reason. I love watching Leo Skepi when I am feeling this way he always gets me together. I highly recommend him if you are dealing with a lack of discipline, self-confidence, or just need someone to get you together with tough love he is that guyyy. Side noteee I missed my antidepressant dose twice in a row because of traveling back to New York and it low-key made me hazy like it was super weird but I took it today. 

♡Physical♡

While I was away I ate super bad! The event was an African-focused event so the food there wasn’t healthy at all. I was going to stick to my diet while on my trip but I decided I'm on a trip let me relax and I don't regret it at all. But I am seeing the consequences of my food choices now I am soooo bloated lol. So I am starting a cleanse tomorrow for the next 14 days I already prepped my ginger shot for the morning I want to flush my system out completely going into the new year. I don't recommend cleanses especially to my babes that have dealt with ED’s always consult your doctors before starting anything. I just do what works for me. 

♡Hobbies♡

Now that I am back I can get back to being consistent with my Italian, pilates, and weight lifting. I was so sad I could not lift I feel like I'm low-key obsessed with lifting lol it feels so good and I've been seeing results, especially in my lower body. While I was gone I didn't have any time to do my hobbies they had us in lectures and events constantly. I practiced my Italian once which I'm happy about. I plan on starting jewelry making next week I'm super excited it was one of my favorite hobbies when I was in middle school. I used to make earrings and bracelets. 

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

My birthday is Sunday, December 31st! I am turning 21 yay! I am super excited I don't have anything planned for my birthday. I am going to have a mini celebration with my family and watch the ball drop my siblings bought me presents so I'm excited to open everything. I'm starting my cleanse so I'll be working out and taking good care of my body internally and externally so I'll be off social media this weekend and focused on my mental and physical health. I plan on creating my vision board and listing my goals this year. My dad is ordering my camera I used to have a YouTube channel but I took a break to work on my self-improvement journey I do plan on getting back on my YouTube grind soon lol so look out for that coming out in 2024! 

This week's little journal entrieee a lot happened this week and I'm excited to see what this new year brings babesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?